TW: THE REALITY OF LIVING WITH EATING DISORDERS

 ***This post contains sensitive content relating to eating disorders such as calorie counting, restrictive eating behaviors, recovery, weight gain/loss, etc. Please proceed with caution and be mindful when reading.

It’s easy to over restrict when no one notices.

Day by day slowly decreasing your calorie intake.

Withering away as the voice in your head consumes you.

Everyone praises your appearance as you slowly deteriorate in front of their eyes.

Diet culture constantly determines every choice you make, “don’t eat this, don’t eat that.”

The hesitation of taking a single bite.

The guilt that comes with enjoying food rather than considering it as “fuel."

The dreaded growl in the pit of your stomach begging to be fed.

A continuous battle of starvation.

Your body pleads for any form of nutrition, but you ignore it.

Food has become the enemy.

How It All Started

The MyFitnessPal app and forcing myself to do Chloe Ting workouts in my room seemed so harmless in the beginning. But it wasn’t enough. I knew I could push myself harder. That was when I came across The 75 Day Hard Challenge on Tik Tok. Little did I know that it would change my life forever.

75 Hard Rules:

1. Follow a diet of your choice strictly; NO ALCOHOL!
2. Two 45 minute workouts a day. *One must be outdoors*
3. Drink one gallon of water a day.
4. Read at least ten pages of a self-help book each day.
5. Take a progress picture every single day.

75 Days

I began the 75 Day Hard in March of 2020 right when the lock down started as a result of losing my job. I had to find a way to stay busy. Trust me when I tell you I stayed incredibly busy. I made myself new at-home workout routines and meal prepped everything I ate. I fell in love with reading again like I had when I was a child. I began to apply what I read to my everyday routine and behavior. I was happier and more hydrated than ever.

I chose intermediate fasting as my diet of choice and only ate from 11am-7pm as I tracked every morsel I ate on the MyFitnessPal app. The recommended calorie intake was around 1800, but this was what became the ultimate challenge for me. Each day, I would lower my calories little by little. It became this sick game of how low could I go. The rest of the rules were easy for me to follow; it was the eating that was my biggest struggle.

The Aftermath

I completed the 75 Hard successfully and I was super proud of myself for doing so. My lifestyle had drastically changed for the better within just a short period of time. Over time, unbeknownst to me, these rules had become habits. Even after the challenge was over, I still followed each rule daily. My workouts became more intense and my diet became even more restricted. But why? The challenge was over…at least I thought it was?

DIET CULTURE SUCKS!!!!!!

It only took seventy five days for me to develop three eating disorders. Seventy five days. I refused to believe I had any form of disordered eating. My new lifestyle was healthy, right? Skinny = healthy, right? That’s what we are all conditioned to believe. The EDs came with many side effects like mood swings, body dysmorphia, insecurity, hormone imbalances, and malnutrition. How could this be considered healthy? News flash: IT ISN’T! I still have a hard time believing that despite my severe hair loss and tooth sensitivity. Why won’t it click in my head that starvation does not make me beautiful?

The Fear of Recovery

Once you feel your organs shutting down and anticipate the need for feeding tubes and hospitalization, recovery doesn’t seem so scary after all. I feared losing my teeth the most. My thinning hair was something I could hide. My heartbeat had often become irregular during my workouts; I would pause to acknowledge it, but it didn’t stop me. Completing my workouts was more important than my heart’s ability to keep me alive. Weight gain was not worth being healthy again, it wasn't then, and it still isn't now.

Dr. Oats

After about a year and a half of starvation, I finally decided to see a nutritionist, thinking she would have all the answers. Unfortunately for me, she did, just not the ones I wanted. Dr. Oats (cute name I know!) would be the one to diagnose me with three eating disorders over our first zoom call. I remember being in shock. Up until this point, my new lifestyle had been praised and labeled nothing but “healthy”. I was offended and confused. I didn’t feel that I was skinny or "sick enough" to be diagnosed with one eating disorder, let alone three. She gave me lots of advice and made a meal plan for me that I would never use. I lied to her weekly about the so-called “progress” I was making. I would tell her I didn’t weigh myself when she’d ask; despite the fact that I had got on the scale for the third time that day before logging on to our call. Dr. Oats could see through my lies through the screen of my Mac. She ultimately gave up working with me, knowing I refused to make any changes towards getting better. Here I am over a year later, stuck in the same restrictive mindset and with even more disordered eating behaviors than before.

A Vicious Cycle...Will It Ever End?

I would love to end this post with a happy ending, especially for you Joseph, but I pride myself in being brutally honest. Binging and attempted purging still came for months after meeting with my nutritionist. My disordered eating has worsened and affects every aspect of my life. I am terrified of eating out at restaurants and turn down any invite I receive. I have continued punishing myself with two hour long training sessions at the gym everyday and limiting my calorie intake to the lowest it has ever been. Looking at my reflection in the mirror every morning determining if I get to eat that day or not. For what? For my head to rush every time I stand up to the point of nearly fainting? For my hands to shake due to my constant low blood sugar levels? For the scale to read the smallest number? Is it really worth it?

Right now, I guess it is. I want to be the smallest version of myself, even if that means taking the risk of not surviving long enough to see if I even enjoy it. Less of me is the goal. Food is still the ultimate enemy. Taking up less space is the only thing I believe is what makes me worthy.